Alright, so, there was a post up on the blog and on Facebook yesterday. Another of my personal rants that perhaps got a bit too personal, and hence, after hushing it up and then continuing to obsess over it all night, I decided to remove it altogether. My detailing what it was would perhaps defeat the purpose of killing it; safe to say that it was scatological. I have no taste at all for scatological humour. I said what I did because I genuinely thought it was funny and non-graphic. But I guess what I didn’t say in as many words was made up for by people’s very vivid imaginations. And I got a whole load of ewws and chis. A friend suggested that I stop “trying to be a lout, and start taking some pride in (myself)”. And then as I lost sleep over this, there were a whole load of things that crossed my head, most of which were very uncomfortable revelations about myself and, I would presume, people like me, who read and write blogs and use social networking sites.
I know that what follows is bound to look like some self-important piece of shit; highly presumptuous about the importance of my blog on the internet or any blog or means of online presence in general. Then again, like it or not, social media plays a huge role in our lives, has known to have had political consequences and influenced society in many ways. As a writer and fan of personal blogs where people can describe anything from painful childhood memories to bedroom antics and find readership, empathy and appreciation, it might be ok to write about a train of thought sparked by my personal experience. By virtue of simply being writers of personal blogs and post-ers of pictures, notes and status messages on social networking sites, we are nothing if not self-important, presumptuous people.
There seems to be an obsessive need for validation from others, especially in social media. Just like we would be slightly miffed if no one noticed a new haircut, there seems to be some grief when no one acknowledges something you have done online: changed a profile picture, posted a Facebook note, updated a blog, or tweeted something that you thought was quite smart. Usually I meet with reactions (admittedly only from friends) as soon as I post a note/blogpost, and when that didn’t happen yesterday, I knew something was amiss. The worth of most things online seems to be measured only by validation from others, and these others are not always your friends.
People, me inclusive, often like to believe that the internet and social networking sites are only ways of keeping in touch with friends and the important people of your lives. But the truth is that for many of us, me inclusive, these have also become means to impress a prospective employee, get noticed and be respected, and fall in love – not always intentionally. It is perhaps important to acknowledge the fact that the internet is actually really very big, so big that it could jeopardize your life in some manner. I removed the post mostly because I am at a crucial stage in my life, going through a prolonged period of unemployment and desperately looking for work. A Google search of my name throws up my blog; and if even just a handful of people were disgusted by what they read on it, it is possible that a prospective employer might be, too.
We might all want to come across as irreverent and rebellious and unconventional, but many of us are wondering what strangers may think of us online. It made me anxious about whether I was repulsing an imaginary someone with my scatological story (even if only of me as an infant, and even if it did really repel people I knew) or whether it would affect my social life or whatever. And this is a very real worry, not just a product of my paranoia. Some people only know you by what you write. While it may not be important what an inconsequential stranger thinks and while it may be impossible to please everyone, there is no need to put anyone off. After all, my scatological adventure as an infant is not going to have a bearing on Team Anna in any way, and the internet is perhaps a better place without it being chronicled.
Which brings me to what I actually said in the post. The post did not actually center on the scatology, simply made a reference to it, and one that did not even seem too graphic to my eyes, eyes that don’t even have a taste for this kind of humour in the first place. The feminist in me wonders if it perhaps, just perhaps, might have been more acceptable if a guy had said it. For instance, it’s OK for the guys to be dirty and sloppy, yet somehow adorable in these Judd Apatow movies, and not often is a girl shown to be either of these things. (She is most often a shrill insufferable stickler for cleanliness.) Is it a general expectation from the fairer sex to not be, or say some things? Then again, considering that I did take off the post for whatever reason, I myself am probably not as liberated from these shackles as I like to think I am. This is perhaps the most valuable personal revelation from this exercise.
There are several others. I really must stop pushing my self-deprecation to the edge of the cliff. Most of the time, I think I push it over the edge, like I did with the now-gone post. Woody Allen would be put to shame if only he read this. My mother cannot fathom why a confident, self-respecting young woman would call herself ‘ugly naked girl’ and she has a point. I must tone it down. That said, I must learn to take criticism well without being paranoid, and respect the opinion of everyone within the limited democracy that the internet allows for those who are privileged enough to afford to own an internet connection. Particularly since the internet is, for better or worse, a medium in which everyone creates and consumes content, there is no one authority and no one’s opinion is invalid. Again, that said, I must learn to be more proud of not just myself, but also the stuff I write. I should accept its faults, but also defend it when it deserves to be defended.
Someday, when I am mature (or liberated) enough to not let a simple blogpost affect my life, maybe I will repost it online. Simply for character-building. Not at all for validation from others 
Now you can close your moral story books and go to bed. Pah.
